Love Makes a Family

This post has been a long time coming.  John and I have been waiting for the right time to announce that we are in the process of adopting a baby.  We don't know when our family will be growing or by how many, but hopefully sometime in the next year or so we will get to bring a baby home through the adoption process.

I know for some people, this would be a hard decision, but for John and I, adoption just seemed like a natural next step for us.  For several reasons having another biological child just isn't a great option for us right now.  It's not completely off the table for the future, but right now, it just isn't a path we want to take.

Adoption has actually been on our hearts for a while now.  As I mentioned in my last post, we had gone through about 8 months of infertility treatments and procedures before we got pregnant with Rowan.  After we decided to stop treatments to relax and take a break for the holidays, we discussed multiple times what we wanted our next step to be.  At that time, we really started to think about adoption... and then, surprise we found out we were pregnant.  Then Rowan came early... and then he died.  We were once again back to square one, but without some of the options that we had before.

On our way home from Kansas City the morning after Rowan passed away, John and I both looked at each other and said that we wanted to adopt.  We've been thinking about it and praying about it since that day.  We know we could wait a little longer and try for another baby, but after having 35 days to be parents, we realized just how awesome it is and we're ready to bring another baby home as soon as we can.  So, at the end of July we finally took the plunge and officially started the process.  We decided that we want to adopt a newborn and we started gathering all of the necessary paperwork to begin the home study process.

As of today, we are waiting on a couple of logistical items and then our home study will be complete!  We have an appointment to meet with an adoption attorney in Topeka on Friday afternoon and I'm in the process of creating our adoption portfolio.  Once all of our paperwork is in order, then it will just be a waiting game.  We know that this process can sometimes take a long time and that it could still involve some heartache, but we truly believe in our hearts that this is the right step for us.  We contemplated when the right time would be to share that we are adopting, but a lot of adoption is just getting the word out there that we are looking to adopt.  Many adoptions happen because somebody knows somebody who knows somebody else that is looking to find adoptive parents for their child, so we decided now is the right time and that this blog is just one more avenue to get our names out there.  Our families have supported us on this decision from day one which we are so thankful for and as always, we appreciate your prayers and all of your well wishes.

Wave of Light

So, there's this club.  A club that 3 years ago, I was only vaguely aware of.  A club that nobody ever wants to join.  A club that John and I have now joined four times.  It's the club you join when your child dies.  Today, October 15, we recognize all the women and men, moms and dads, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and friends who have been affected by this club.  Today, we remember all the babies that are no longer with us.

As I sit here in a quiet house writing a post that I've been writing in my head all week, I can't help but think about if the events of the last 3 years would have turned out differently.  What if that first pregnancy, the one that we waited for for a year and a half, hadn't ended abruptly in July of 2013 at 12 weeks when we found out there was no longer a heartbeat?  Would I be chasing a 2.5 year old around the house instead of watching/listening to a Harry Potter movie that I've seen dozens of times?  

I don't know the answer to those questions or why we lost that first baby, and I never will.  But, I do know that if we hadn't had that first miscarriage, we wouldn't have been pregnant again that winter.  We wouldn't have spent 8 weeks worrying and wondering if we were going to meet the same fate.  We wouldn't have known how to deal with the heartbreak of another miscarriage which came at the end of February 2014 only a few weeks after our first baby would have been due.  Without those two miscarriages, we may never have known that I have a blood clotting disorder that can cause miscarriages and complicated pregnancies.  

If either of those pregnancies had been successful, we wouldn't be where we are today.  We wouldn't have gotten pregnant again and held our breaths through the first 13 weeks until we were finally "in the clear" for the first time.  We wouldn't have finally had the chance to get excited at the idea of bringing home a baby.  Third times a charm, right?  We wouldn't have sat in that ultrasound room and heard "There is something wrong with your baby's brain" and "In all my years as an OB, I've never seen a baby with this condition survive."  We wouldn't have spent the next 11 weeks not knowing when our last day with our baby girl would be.  We wouldn't have said hello and goodbye to our sweet girl, Hope, all at the same time. 

We lost Hope, but without that loss, we wouldn't have had our sweet boy, Rowan.  We wouldn't have gone through 8 months of infertility treatments and procedures.  We wouldn't have hopelessly decided to stop treatments and pursue other ways to add to our family.  And we wouldn't have fallen in love instantly when the test miraculously turned positive the following month. We wouldn't have been told that everything looked great with our baby boy.  We wouldn't have started making plans for a nursery because for the first time, we weren't worried that we were going to lose this one.  Our hearts wouldn't have dropped into our stomachs when we found out that we were going to meet this baby boy a whole lot earlier than planned.    Without all of our losses, we wouldn't have known how precious the tiny life that we had been given really was.  We may not have been truly grateful for every. single. moment that we got to spend with Rowan.  

I write all of this today, not for sympathy or personal attention, but to bring awareness to the fact that this stuff happens.  1 in 4 pregnancies in the United States end in loss.  1 in 4.  Yet, we still don't talk about it.  Why?  Largely because it makes people uncomfortable.  But really, talking about it makes those who have been through it feel like they aren't alone.  Losing 4 babies sucks.  It sucks big time, but hearing that I'm not alone and communicating with other women and families that have experienced the same loss has been so healing for me.  I've had friends of friends of friends reach out to me through social media and this blog that I would never have known if it weren't for our four angels.  We don't stop talking about people who pass away as adults or after having a chance to live their lives, so why do we stop talking about these tiny lives once they are over?  They aren't any less important.  They may never have breathed a breath of air in this world and they may never have gotten to come home from the hospital, but they still existed.  We need to speak their names and we need to remind their families that we remember them and we love them and we won't ever forget them.  

Do I wish that I wasn't in this unspoken club?  Absolutely.  If I could turn back time and change the way things happened, would I?  I don't think so.  These babies have changed our lives and they have changed it for the better.  We have a much stronger marriage because of all that we have been through.  We have leaned on one another and helped each other through what has truly been the worst 3 years of our lives.  But there have been rays of sunshine in the midst of all of the darkness.  We've joined a church and welcomed Christ back into our lives in ways that we maybe never would have if we hadn't driven a few blocks down the road to try and find answers and hope when we were at our lowest.  We wouldn't have met some of the greatest people who we are now lucky to call our friends.  We wouldn't have two amazing ministries at two different hospitals to help others who walk this road.  We wouldn't have realized that things can change in the blink of an eye and as cliche as it is, that tomorrow isn't guaranteed for any of us.  We wouldn't be who we are today without our babies.

So, please join me in lighting a candle at 7 p.m. this evening for all of the babies who are no longer with us.  Not only for the Pryor babies, but for Sam, Preston, Julian, Kaden, Griffin, Kennedy and so, so, so many more.   You will NEVER be forgotten.  <3

Back to KC

On Friday, John and I went back to Kansas City and back to Children's Mercy for the first time since we left on June 1 without our sweet Rowan.  Going back to the place that our baby boy died was not easy to do, going back because we were getting his autopsy results made it even harder.  We met with the Chaplain and Dr. Sharma in a small conference room.  I'm really glad we didn't have to go back up to the NICU.  We've now been back to the NICU in Topeka a couple of times, but there's just something about the KC NICU that instantly makes me anxious.  I can say with complete honesty that I hope I never have to walk through those NICU doors again.

Anyway,  we now have Rowan's autopsy results.  When he passed away, they suspected it was from infection.  Because everything happened so fast we were encouraged to have an autopsy done to try and find some answers since nobody was really sure what happened.  In the autopsy they found that Rowan contracted a pretty yucky pneumonia virus in his lungs.  The doctor suspects that he probably had the infection for several days before he passed away, but the antibiotics that they were using to treat the suspected NEC were keeping it at bay.  Those antibiotics were also hiding the virus in all of the blood tests that they were doing to check for infection.  When Rowan finished that round of antibiotics and they stopped giving them to him (because he wasn't showing ANY signs of infection), the pneumonia reared its ugly head and took over.  By the time it was obvious that he had another infection, the pneumonia had gotten so bad that the antibiotics couldn't treat it fast enough and there wasn't anything they could do.  The type of bacteria that he had is common with patients who spend a prolonged period in the hospital and he was just too weak from fighting all the other infections to fight this one.

It was hard to hear this information, but we are so glad that we didn't hear the words "we should have caught this" or "we missed this."  There was nothing that could have been done differently and honestly John and I are really at peace with what happened.  Don't get me wrong, IT SUCKS, but we have no regrets and we don't place blame on anyone.  We just miss our little boy.

We spent about an hour at the hospital visiting with Becky and Dr. Sharma and getting some paperwork that we needed to take care of some insurance stuff and then we headed back home to complete another task that we were both dreading.

When we originally came home from the hospital, we put all of Rowan's stuff (blankets, hospital stuff, gifts, books, etc.) in our spare bedroom.  Up until Friday, we hadn't yet mustered up the strength to pack it all away.  When we scheduled the meeting for the autopsy we also decided that it would be the day that we packed up all of his things so that we could get all the not-so-fun stuff done in one day.  So we came home, brought all of his things to the dining room table, sorted through it and packed it away in totes.  We now have a tote of books and a tote of blankets/clothes/stuffed animals for our future children, a tote of things that will forever be "just Rowan's" and a fire safe packed full of things that we can't duplicate if something happens to them (footprints, pictures, special things from the hospital).  It was incredibly tough to go through it all; lots of tears were shed (and a few beverages of the adult variety were consumed), but I'm glad we got it all done.

We have officially closed this chapter of our lives, but it will forever be one of my favorites because it's the story of our sweet baby boy.

Thank you to everyone who has sent items for Rowan's Wraps.  We know that they are getting used and we are working on getting more bags ready so that they don't run out.  We also have some other exciting things in our future that we can't wait to share with you guys.  I will be changing the name of this blog.  All of the posts about Rowan will still be here but it will have a different name and web address.  We want to continue to share our story and some updates with everyone, but moving forward things aren't going to fit under the title of "Rowan's Ride" anymore.  I'll keep you posted on the changes and I'm hoping I can somehow make it so that it links the old blog address to the new one so that we don't lose any people that have been checking in on us.  :-)

I hope everyone has enjoyed their Labor Day weekend... I better get back to grading papers and doing lesson plans!

Rowan's Wraps

Today is a "Shoulda, woulda, coulda" day.  Today should have been Rowan's due date.  There are so many things that I wish we would be doing today or that we could have done in the past few months.  Though I am back at school and we are both back in our daily routines, things just aren't quite the same.  

In honor of Rowan's due date, John and I would like to share the project that we have been working on.  After we lost Hope, we starting "Hope's Hugs" at the hospital in Manhattan to provide blankets and some other items to bereaved parents.  We feel it is only right to also do something at Stormont Vail to honor Rowan.  We are starting "Rowan's Wraps" and we will be providing hand made blankets, books and notebooks to parents and babies in the NICU at Stormont Vail.

We received several prayer shawls for Rowan when he was in the hospital and they brought great comfort, especially as we wrapped him in them on his last day.  The blankets that will be part of Rowan's Wraps will be prayed over before being taken to the hospital so that the families that use them have a little extra love with them.  We also loved reading books to Rowan and we would like to include a children's book with each bag.  Reading to babies benefits the babies greatly and John and I found it to be a great benefit for us too.  "The Little Engine that Could" will always and forever hold a special place in our hearts.  The last thing that will be in the gift bags will be a notebook and a pen for parents to take notes in, record milestones, and write down any other important information.  The notebook that we had proved to be such a great resource especially once Rowan was transferred to Children's Mercy.

John and I have gathered enough of the above mentioned items to take about 10 bags to the hospital next week, but we know that they will probably go through them pretty quickly as a lot of babies go through the NICU.  That's where you come in!  If you would like to donate knitted or crocheted blankets (receiving blanket size) we would gladly take them.  They will be prayed over at either our church (Wamego First United Methodist) or the Keats-Riley Methodist Church in Riley.  If you're like me and you don't know how to knit or crochet, we would gladly welcome donations of yarn, children's books, or monetary donations for us to purchase such items.  If you aren't local and would like to donate something, please email me at ashley.s.pryor@gmail.com and I will get you details on where to send the items.  

I know many of you reading this have already done a lot for our family and we are forever grateful for that, but we want Rowan's life to be remembered and we are excited to be able to be helping other families in his memory.  

As always, thank you for your generosity and support of our family.  

A Million Thank You's

Today marks 6 weeks since our sweet boy left us.  It's hard to believe that it has already been 6 weeks because that day's events are still so fresh in our minds.  Since being admitted to the hospital on April 22, John and I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support from the people in our lives.  I started a list of people that we would need to write thank you cards for, but that list got quickly put to the side and the amount of people that needed added to it was growing exponentially. And let's be honest, I've never been good at writing thank you notes.  So, please let this post and the thank you's that are about to follow serve as our thank you cards.  I'm not sure if everyone that we have to thank will even read this, but I know many will.  Words can really not express how thankful we are for everything that has been done for us in the last 12 weeks.

First of all, THANK YOU to our families.  You sat in hospital waiting rooms and on uncomfortable hospital benches.  You drove hundreds of miles to come visit us even if it was only for a few minutes.  You took care of our dogs, our house and went shopping for us when we couldn't/didn't want to leave the hospital.  You've been by our sides throughout this whole journey and you continue to be here for us as we try to navigate finding our new normal.  We couldn't have done this without you.

THANK YOU to Dr. Goodpasture for your quick action in getting me to Topeka when you noticed there was a major problem.  Without you, I don't even want to think about how things would have turned out.

THANK YOU to the EMTs who got me to Topeka quickly and safely.  It was my first ambulance ride and you made it as enjoyable as possible given the circumstances.

THANK YOU to all of the nurses who took care of me during my stay at Stormont-Vail.  You were all wonderful and did such a good job of staying positive and hopeful.

THANK YOU to Dr. Trobough and Dr. Dickson for taking care of me through two surgeries and recoveries.

Some of the most important THANK YOUs go to the staff at the Stormont-Vail NICU:

• THANK YOU to Holly, Terri and Roxie who greeted us with smiles every time we entered the NICU.  You put up with John's humor and wit and made us and all of our visitors feel welcome.
• THANK YOU to Janet, our nurse practitioner.  You were absolutely amazing.  Words cannot express how thankful we are for the care you provided for Rowan.  You explained things in ways that we could understand and you repeated things so that I could get everything written in my notebook.  You were encouraging when we needed it and you also provided realistic expectations when we were seeing things through rose-colored lenses.  You will always hold a special place in our hearts.  
• THANK YOU to all of Rowan's nurses: Carolyn, Monica, Suzy, Lucinda, Michelle, Mary Jo, Ashley, Caleb, Ashley B., Kim, Erin, Jamie, Brandy, Melissa, Alyssa, Bambi, Sonya, and Belinda.  You are all simply the best.  Not once did we ever worry about the care that you were giving our sweet boy.  You were positive and encouraging.  You took care of Rowan, but you also did a great job of taking care of John and I.  In the three weeks that we spent with you, you became family.  We will never be able to thank you enough for what you did for Rowan.
• THANK YOU to all of the other staff members that took care of Rowan in one way or another: Gail, Karen, Audrey, Elizabeth, all of the respiratory therapists and Rachel.  You were all a piece to the puzzle that helped Rowan survive as long as he did.
• Finally, THANK YOU to the neonatologists who took care of Rowan: Dr. Sidlinger, Dr. Morgan, Dr. Doyle, and Dr. Navarro.  Without you guys, we would not have had the 36 days that we had with Rowan.  Your knowledge of everything that goes right and everything that goes wrong in these tiny miracles is amazing.  Thank you.

THANK YOU to the doctors, nurses, and respiratory therapists at Children's Mercy.  I don't feel like we got to know you as well as we did the staff at Stormont, but thank you for everything that you did for Rowan.  You saw took care of him on some of his best days and also some of his worst.  You listened to our opinions and took the very best care of our baby.  Thank you for taking care of him all the way until the end.

THANK YOU to all of our friends.  You came to visit us and made us laugh when we needed it the most.  You got us out of the hospital for much needed breaks.  Your text messages, emails, and messages through social media always came at the most needed times.  We are so lucky to have you all in our life. 

THANK YOU to our church family.  We are so blessed to have found all of you.  Losing Hope led us to Wamego First United Methodist Church and we really feel like we have the best church family there is.  Thank you for the cards, prayers and support.  

THANK YOU to all of our co-workers.  You all stepped up in tremendous ways to keep my classroom and John's job site running well.  You took the stress of our jobs out of the picture so that we could focus on Rowan.  Thank you for being wonderful co-workers and even better friends.

THANK YOU to anyone who donated to Rowan's medical fund and/or memorial fund.  Asking for help does not come easily for John or I and we were blown away by your generosity.  

THANK YOU for all of the cards and gifts that were sent to us.  I tried to keep track of each card that was sent to that I could thank you all individually, but we got hundreds of cards and it was so overwhelming in the most wonderful way.  We have kept each card and they will go into the tote with all of Rowan's things.  

THANK YOU to anyone who brought us a meal.  I didn't realize how helpful all of those would end up being.  Each meal was delicious and very much appreciated.

THANK YOU to the families that were kind enough to say hi to us in the hallways of the NICU.  You have since become close friends and we love hearing about your sweet babies and all of their progress.  We can't wait until you get to bring them home and we can come snuggle with them. :)

THANK YOU to everyone who shared Rowan's story.  This blog helped me (and continues to help me) in ways that I never could have imagined.  Something about knowing that Rowan's story was touching people from all over the country always put a smile on my face.  

THANK YOU to all of the mamas who have also experienced loss for sharing your stories with me.  I hate that we all have this thing in common, but it is so comforting to know that we aren't alone.  I've never even met many of you, but you are in my thoughts frequently.  

THANK YOU to anyone who ever said a prayer or sent a positive thought for our family.  I have no doubt in my mind that Rowan would not have done as well as he did for as long as he did without you.  

And finally, THANK YOU to my sweet baby boy, Rowan.  You taught us how to love unconditionally.  Hope made us parents, but you made us a mommy and a daddy.  You taught us to be hopeful and how to never give up.  You put things into perspective and you touched so many lives in your short time here on earth.  I will forever be thankful for every minute that I got to spend with you. 

God has blessed us tremendously by putting so many wonderful people in our lives.  Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.  

Rowan's Memorial Service

John and I would like to thank everyone who came to celebrate Rowan today.  It just shows how much he was loved.  We know that there are people who were not able to attend for one reason or another, so we have decided to post a recording of his service on here.

This is the slideshow that we put together.  The song that was playing is called Lux Aurumque composed by Eric Whitacre.  John performed this piece with the KMEA Intercollegiate Band in 2005.  This was a live recording of that performance.  

It was a beautiful service for a beautiful little boy.   

Thank you all for reading our story. Writing all of these posts has been a great release for me and I plan to continue posting every so often. 

The End of the Ride

I don't even know where to begin with writing this post.  I never thought I would have to write what is about to follow.

Rowan passed away in my arms Wednesday evening at 6:34 after spending the day fighting for his life.  The day is a bit of a blur now, but I will try and do my best to explain the day's events because I think it will help me to get it all written down.

Wednesday morning, John and I got up and around and after a quick breakfast run, headed to the hospital.  As we pulled into the parking garage we got a call from Rowan's nurse practitioner, Adriane.  We knew that something was up at that point because they really only call if there is something bad to tell us.  Adriane explained that Rowan had had a really rough night.  His O2 saturation had dropped multiple times into the 50s and he was really struggling to oxygenate his blood.  Overnight they had to increase his oxygen levels to 100%.  The doctors ran a bunch of blood tests because they suspected he had another infection.  His urine output had dropped and he also had a lot of edema (swelling).  The tests that they were able to get quick results from showed that his CRP was back up to a 4 and his white blood count was incredibly low.  He also had a lot of immature cells which Adriane explained as sending babies into a war.  We told Adriane that we were in the parking garage and would be right up.

When we got up to Rowan's side we immediately noticed that he looked sick.  He was very puffy and swollen and pale.  Rowan had previously fought off two infections, but through those he never really looked like he was sick on the outside.  Adriane continued to explain and go over his night and said that the doctors would be rounding on him first.  In the mean time, Rowan got another dose of morphine; he had had three overnight because he got so agitated when the nurses would even just open the sides of his isolette.  His sats would drop and he would take a while to recover, so they needed to keep him calm.

The doctors came for rounds and Dr. Sharma explained that they thought that Rowan possibly had an abscess in his abdomen.  When we first got to Children's Mercy, they had noticed a hard nodule in his lower right abdomen, but tests hadn't really shown anything and they thought at the time that it was just muscular.  Now, they were thinking differently.  So they drew some blood to run some blood cultures and see if they could find the source of infection.  They also ordered another echocardiogram to check his PDA valve since his oxygen needs were so high, an xray to check his lungs, and an ultrasound to check the bump in his belly.  They decided to start him on two general antibiotics since it was clear that he did have another infection.  Rowan's urine output had also all but stopped and he had really low blood pressure which they kind of attributed to him retaining so much fluid and having poor oxygenation.  They gave him another dose of diuretic in hopes that it would help flush some fluid out of him.  They also started him on a morphine drip because they knew he wouldn't handle all of the scans that they needed to do very well.  Both the doctors and John and I thought that this was just going to be another infection that we would treat with antibiotics and we would be good to go.   

The morning continued and Rowan's oxygen saturation continued to run in the 70s even though he was on 100% oxygen.  This was very concerning because even though he would occasionally have dips into the 70s, he always recovered and got back into the 90s where they wanted him to be.  John and I ate a quick lunch from the cafeteria and stayed by Rowan's side because our poor boy was just not acting like himself and we didn't want to be too far away. 

At around 2:00, they came to do Rowan's echo and then they followed that with the other scans.  The doctors were beginning to get results back from some of the other blood tests.  The test for viruses was negative, but the sample from his trachea that they were culturing was already testing positive for some bacteria.  The nurse said she suspected that he possibly had pneumonia. We knew he already had some fluid in his lungs (it was showing up on x-ray) but she also suspected that there was some bacteria in there and said that it can happen when babies have to be intubated for long periods of time.   They wouldn't know for sure what type of infection he had until the cultures had grown for 48 hours. 

At about 3:00, things began going downhill very quickly.  After a morning and early afternoon with fairly consistent stats, Rowan began having o2 desaturations in the 50s pretty frequently.  His color was really bad at this point and he turned blue several times because he wasn't getting enough oxygen in his blood.  Dr. Sharma (the neonatalogist), Adriane, the resident, the infectious disease doctors, the pharmacist and the respiratory therapist came to Rowan's bedside to try and figure out what they could do for him.  They began trying new antibiotics and other fluids to help his pressures.  They also started getting his results back from his scans.  His abdominal ultrasound, Echo, and head ultrasound all looked clear, but his x-ray showed that his lungs were collapsing. 

The next 2 hours were a complete blur.  There were so many people there trying to stabilize and help Rowan. At about 4:30 they decided to give Rowan a paralytic to keep him from moving because even the slightest movement would cause his heart rate to plummet and his o2 sats to drop even further.  At one point they even had to bring the crash cart over because his heart rate dropped to below 80.  After getting the paralytic, Rowan did stabilize a little bit, but he was still not doing well.  During this time, I stood by Rowan and looked in on him.  I couldn't hold his hand because it would make him desat, but I watched him through his isolette and even though he was heavily medicated, he opened one of his eyes and looked right at me.  I knew at that point we were losing him because his look told me he was tired and just couldn't fight anymore. 

They got another blood gas at 5:00 and when the nurse went to get the results, she actually thought the lab had messed up and given her the results for the wrong baby.  They results were not very good, but they thought that it was either a mix up in the lab or that it was due to him having poor blood circulation to his foot where they drew the blood.  His blood gas at 2:00 hadn't been great, but it wasn't too concerning, so they thought it was an inaccurate test. So they did another blood gas from his arterial line.  A doctor (not Dr. Sharma, she had to leave for a meeting) brought it back and unfortunately the results were in his words "very bad."  In a matter of 3 hours Rowan's condition had gone from not great to very critical.  The blood gas showed that Rowan had very high acidity levels in his blood. Adriane explained that because he was having a hard time oxygenating his blood, his muscles and organs were trying to work without it.  Just like when you workout, the muscles and organs were producing lactic acid as they were trying to work.  This lactic acid was basically causing Rowan's organs to begin shutting down.  They explained that they could give him some medicine to try and bring the acidity levels down, but the doctor had never seen levels so high in his 15 years as a neonatalogist.  They told us that we should begin calling in our families because the medicines that they were giving him needed about 24 hours to begin working and they didn't think he had that much time. 

At about 5:45, Rowan's heart rate dropped into the 50s.  They began talking to us about resuscitation and John and I heard the words that no parent ever wants to hear; that our son was dying.  Rowan's heart rate did get back up into the 70s, but they told us if it dropped below 60 again that they could do chest compressions to get it back up but with him being so little, the pressure would probably do more harm than good.  They also gave us the option to switch him back to the conventional ventilator and just let us hold him.  They assured us that he was in no pain and John and I decided that we just wanted to hold our little boy so that he could pass in our arms.  They got Rowan switched to the other ventilator and then I was allowed to pick Rowan up and we walked with machines in tow to a private room.  They took him off of his heart monitor, but kept the ventilator and IVs going.  We were given time to be with our boy.  We both got to hold him and at 6:34 they came to listen to his heart and didn't hear anything.  Just a couple of minutes before that, John had given him back to me to hold and a very relaxed and peaceful look spread across Rowan's face and I knew that he was gone.  He had passed away peacefully in my arms without any pain.

Our families and our pastor came to the hospital and everyone got to hold him and say goodbye.  At around 10:00, I gave Rowan a bath and we read The Little Engine That Could one last time.  At about 10:45, we said goodbye to our sweet boy, handed him to a nurse and left the hospital without our baby boy.

Nobody knows for sure what happened and Dr. Sharma, who was our main doctor the last two weeks, came back to the hospital from her meeting and was visibly upset that he didn't make it.  Everything happened so quickly and even though the medical staff did all they could, it just wasn't enough.  We gave the hospital permission to do a chest and abdominal autopsy so that we can hopefully figure out what happened.  We know nothing will bring Rowan back, but if we can maybe help another baby in the future that might be in the same situation then Rowan's death will have had a purpose. 

John and I never thought we'd have to bury a child, let alone two in the last two years, but we take comfort in knowing that all Rowan ever knew was love.  He was loved by so many people, many of whom never even met him.  He is so deeply missed by John and I.  We spent 36 days by his side and though that is not long enough, we are thankful that we had that long with him.  Rowan fought so hard.  He beat two infections, but this third one was just too much for him.  He tried so hard to fight it, but he was just too little and too tired to beat it.  He is now running around in heaven with his big sister, Hope, and we take comfort in knowing that they will both be there waiting for us when our time on Earth is over. 

Every time we left Rowan's side be it for lunch, dinner, or to leave for the night, John would give Rowan a little lecture.  He always told Rowan to "Listen to your doctor, listen to your nurse and stay in bed."  Well, Rowan listened to his doctor, listened to his nurse and he stayed in bed until the very end. 

Rowan, you are no longer held down by tubes or wires, so fly high my sweet boy.  We'll see you again someday.

** Funeral services for Rowan will be held on Monday, June 6 at 10:30 a.m. at the Wamego First United Methodist Church.  A lunch will follow and then Rowan will be laid to rest next to his sister at 1:30 p.m. at the Leonardville United Methodist Cemetery just north of Riley.  All who loved Rowan are welcome to attend. **